Tuesday, November 30, 2010
In some ways it is very odd and uncharacteristic, which seems to be the reason it freaks husband out. I have ALWAYS wanted kids, I love to mother people, I always thought I wanted to start a family young...but then...I got married, I dug in deep to school, I saw that I really can go as far in my education as I want to and I realized that there's nothing wrong with wanting to wait. Generations of women before me fought for our right to have children when we were ready, after we had set goals and met them. I refuse to let people make me feel bad for wanting things. I want to travel, I want to go to grad school, I want a few more years with my husband, just us two. It doesn't mean that I don't want kids, I do. But holy goodness, I am twenty-four years old! I think I deserve a few more years to enjoy being young and free, being able to pick up and go on a weekend trip without really planning for it, being able to eat dinner at 10 p.m. and sleep in till 10 a.m. on weekends. I so look forward to being a parent and raising children with the man that I love, but I have no illusions about parenthood. It's hard. And it doesn't ever stop being hard. It's a fierce, terrible love, uncontrollable longing for things that you have no real control over. Truth be told, I'm a bit terrified of having children because I know how deeply and truly I will love them. I know that love is going to absolutely and completely alter forever the landscape of my life. I know it will be an incredibly fulfilling experience, but I have no doubt that it will bring hardships as well. After watching my parents go through things with my siblings, seeing how completely heartrending parenthood can be, even into your children's adulthood, I figure I'm going to give myself a few more years of just "being." Besides, I know that when I really am ready something will just go "click" inside my heart, just like it did when I felt ready to marry Josh. It was almost an audible sound, my heart opening to the things life had in store. Until then, no babies for me. I am perfectly content to shower my love and affection on all the precious little ones being born all around me.
at 8:47 AM