Tuesday, November 30, 2010

babies

So I've been thinking about this a lot lately, having babies I mean. It seems like absolutely everyone around me right now is either pregnant or has just had a baby, and I mean everyone. I know at least twelve pregnant people, and I'm fairly certain I'm forgetting some people. I think we have officially gotten to "that" stage. Of course this means that the inevitable question has been repeatedly asked lately, "So when's it your turn, Emma?" My turn? Like somehow because everyone around me is pregnant I should be too. I mean, don't get me wrong, it is sort of weird and everything has changed, but I feel absolutely nothing but happiness for all my new mommy and preggo friends. Everyone keeps expecting me to catch "baby fever" but it's just not going to happen right now. My husband is the one with baby fever. He's freaked out by the fact that I don't have baby fever. I am the one with ovaries and the biological clock, right? Right, but I just don't feel ready, and that's OK. He knows we'll have babies eventually and he is totally on board with waiting because deep down he knows it's not the right time for him either. He's happy just as long as he knows that they are in the cards. However, all this baby talk did get me thinking about why I don't want babies right now.

In some ways it is very odd and uncharacteristic, which seems to be the reason it freaks husband out. I have ALWAYS wanted kids, I love to mother people, I always thought I wanted to start a family young...but then...I got married, I dug in deep to school, I saw that I really can go as far in my education as I want to and I realized that there's nothing wrong with wanting to wait. Generations of women before me fought for our right to have children when we were ready, after we had set goals and met them. I refuse to let people make me feel bad for wanting things. I want to travel, I want to go to grad school, I want a few more years with my husband, just us two. It doesn't mean that I don't want kids, I do. But holy goodness, I am twenty-four years old! I think I deserve a few more years to enjoy being young and free, being able to pick up and go on a weekend trip without really planning for it, being able to eat dinner at 10 p.m. and sleep in till 10 a.m. on weekends. I so look forward to being a parent and raising children with the man that I love, but I have no illusions about parenthood. It's hard. And it doesn't ever stop being hard. It's a fierce, terrible love, uncontrollable longing for things that you have no real control over. Truth be told, I'm a bit terrified of having children because I know how deeply and truly I will love them. I know that love is going to absolutely and completely alter forever the landscape of my life. I know it will be an incredibly fulfilling experience, but I have no doubt that it will bring hardships as well. After watching my parents go through things with my siblings, seeing how completely heartrending parenthood can be, even into your children's adulthood, I figure I'm going to give myself a few more years of just "being." Besides, I know that when I really am ready something will just go "click" inside my heart, just like it did when I felt ready to marry Josh. It was almost an audible sound, my heart opening to the things life had in store. Until then, no babies for me. I am perfectly content to shower my love and affection on all the precious little ones being born all around me.

3 comments:

  1. amen! great post emma, i can totally relate. i think it will be a while for us too considering our fish just died. back to taking care of plants. haha. love you friend!

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  2. emma - bekah's big sister here. 30 was perfect for us, and i got married at 22. everyone will think you are old and selfish and whatever. do your thing. love on each other. grow up together. go to school, grad school, travel. LIVE. babies can wait. and then when they do come along (working on #3 here!!) the joy is that much deeper and greater for having waited...(and you will remember happily at all those last minute midnight movies you went to and dinners out at 10 pm and random road trips "just because"...those were the days...HA)

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